Happiness

I just found myself thinking about happiness. Am I happy? That’s the question that repeated in my mind. You might find this stupid, but for me it’s complicated. There’s a lot of mixed feelings with things. It’s either one or the other, I’m happy or I basically hate life. I actually had to think about this too.

I decided that I’m happy. I thought I would just fill you all in on the happiness. 

My past was not the greatest. I know for a fact I hated life then. Everything seemed to be horrible or getting that way. Family, friends, school, you name it. Almost every night I would cry myself to sleep either because of people at school, or my dad being in Iraq, or just because of hatred toward myself. 

Things have somewhat changed. I have these friends, they are pretty amazing. 

There is Lauren. She is my best friend, we became friends in the 7th grade. At first I did not think I was going to like her, but I ended up doing so. We had every single class together and there were some fun 7th grade memories. Now we only have one class together, but were still besties.

Then there is Carson. We did not start hanging out until the very end of last year. We have had our stupid fights, and we have had our moments were it’s the perfect friendship. We become better friends every day. 

Next is Ariel. She is my smart friend :] We have been friend’s since 6th grade, but we have defiantly had our up’s and downs. I think we have both grown into new people and become better friends. She is a little different from my other friends, but I hope we stay friends for a while. 

Then there is Deni. We became friends this year. I knew her in the past, but I kind of dis-liked her, ha. Now things are good between us though. Since Charity has moved away, she is one of my new gym buddies :]

Nathan is even found on this list. He is defiantly a good person to talk to. Well, he is more of a listen, ha, but then again I don’t really give him a choice :] I just sort of vent to him and expect him to listen, haha. On the bus he makes things a little better, although our bus sucks. Oh- I like to call him Gathan :]

Kyle would have been on this list about two and a half weeks ago, but not now. I still feel I should talk about him though. Him and I have a past that goes back to 6th grade. There’s been tons of breaks up and tons of get back togethers. There have been new girlfriends and new boyfriends in between those times. There have been fights and I hate yous. There has been tears and there has been laughs. Finally, I think it’s all over. It took his his forced rejection for me to realize what was really there. Nothing. Nothing good anyway. I was blinded by fake feelings the whole time, and everything I thought was not real. I put so much effort into it, it was so tiring. Now that I realize everything and will never go back, I don't even have the strength to be friends. I don't have the want to be friends. It's not even worth it. He's not worth it. He's not even the type of person I would go for. But he defiantly put an effect on my today. 

The family thing is a little in between right now. I am closer with my mom now, but right now she is going through a hard time with a break up of six years. He was scum and now it's all coming out. He lied, cheated, and stole. He will pay in court though. Like I said, it's all hard on my mom and stressing her, and it all stresses me too. So now it's just my Mom and I.

Things with my dad are good I guess, I hope he does not have to go back to Iraq. They say his troop will go back, but he get's out in May. If he get sent before then though, he will have to go for the whole time. Just six months left, hopefully he and my uncle Tommy won't be sent. Things are better with my step mom Jessi too. Although sometimes I still feel unwanted or that I'm in the way of things. Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough. 

School is better too. I have okay grades, they could be better. Next year, they will be better. I need my high school grades to stay great, so then I can go to college and do good for myself. That's also a big stress on me. I want to grow up and be something. I don't want to be a screw up or a disappointment. I want to be able to support my self and hopefully a family. I probably think about my future AT LEAST ever other day. 

Then there is just the me factor in it all. I actually found that I love to read and write. I'm fascinated by the paranormal and Ghost Hunters is a favorite show of mine. I actually like Math class and it's easy to me. I like to blog and sometimes I just like to be alone. I like to pay attention to what's happening in the world, which consist of watching the news. I'm not big into fashion and I don't know things like the newest kid Angelina and Brad adopted. I search for music no one has ever heard of just for my sheer enjoyment.  Sure most of it's dorky, but I have found it's just who I am. I could go on and on about  the me factor (I made that up :]) but maybe that's just for another day. It's 3 am and I think it's best I get some sleep. 

If your reading this, which you are if your reading this if your seeing this (ha) well, thanks :]